Letter to Sen. Suleiman Nazif [Seriki’n Comedy]

My Dearest Senator ,

I was overgasted and flabberwhelmed when I read this story in the newspapers last week.
Senator, these Americans now have liver o?

Please dont let the matter disturb you too much…I will try to explain why they behaved the way they did.

I see the hand of Barack Obama in what happened to you. Dont forget that Obama is a Kenyan and no matter how much he sings the American national anthem, he will always be a Kenyan.
I believe that the reason he ordered the American customs officials to deport you can be traced to the ‘small African country’ mentality that has been disturbing a lot of our African brothers and sisters for a very long time.

They never know how to control their jealousy whenever they see Nigerians. Of course this is because we are the giant of Africa and they are merely dwarves.

I wonder why Obama decided to treat you like that.
What has he achieved compared to you? He has been president of America for nearly 2 months now and he has done nothing. 
Senator, I have 3 American friends and all of them told me that they are not feeling stimulated at all by Obama’s stimulus plan.
Instead of him to concentrate on his work in the white house, he was asking them to deport you. 
Nonsense.

I am on your side 100% Senator.

I am also hearing a lot of people saying you are daft, retarded and silly for using the visa they gave you to attend Obama’s inauguration in March..one week before it expired.
They say that since the reason you were given the visa was solely for the inauguration, the Americans were right to deport you because you only turned up almost 2 months after the inauguration and one week before it expired.

Senator, leave these people to God to judge. What do they know?
Even if you are daft and retarded and silly, what authority do they have to open their mouth and repeat it?

I am still on your side Senator.

I know you are a very busy man and the reason you couldnt attend the inauguration was because you had to attend the retreat organised by the National Assembly Committee on Constitutional reform in Niger state.
What right thinking person would leave an important retreat in Niger State to attend a once in a lifetime inauguration of America’s first black president?

Senator these people dont have any sense or gumption at all.

The fact of the matter is that you were sitting down jejely when you were asked to go and represent the Nigerian government at the inauguration.
If they didnt beg you to go, I know you would definitely not have gone.

Because, you didnt want to offend the millions of your fans in America and out of the goodness of your heart, you asked them to defer your trip till March even though the inauguration could not be deferred.
Senator, you really tried and to be honest America does not deserve you to step on it’s soil.

If Obama knew anything about economics, he would have welcomed you with a red carpet because you would have spent your estacode on shopping in America thereby boosting their economy.
But anyway that’s their loss.

Senator, please dont listen to people who are saying you brought disrepute to the Senate of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.
How can you bring ‘disrepute’ to an office that had no ‘repute’ in the first place?
These people are trying to use you as a scapegoat and they will not succeed.

They should go and look at your record Bauchi North or how you have been fighting for the creation  of Katagum State so that the good people of Katagum can now have direct access to the national cake [including the icing and cherries].

But Senator, behind every cloud there is a silver lining.
I believe we can turn this unfortunate incident into a political advantage for you in the 2011 elections.

I am an experienced political consultant and I believe we can return you to office in 2011 in a landslide victory.
In fact since you are a member of the Senate committee on constitutional reform, I would advise you to secretly insert an amendment in the 1999 constitution that allows Senators to run for office indefinitely.
I am certain you cannot be defeated again in any election in Bauchi state and you are guaranteed to win the governorship once Katagum State is created.

Once we can tell the electorate in Bauchi that you were refused entry to America because you stood up to Obama and he was afraid of you, the people will see you as a hero.
We will present you to the people as a courageous man who always fights for justice and fair play.
This is the reason why you are protesting your ‘unfair and undignified’ treatment by the US Customs Officials even though nobody is listening to your protest.

Senator, never mind the people laughing at you now….they wont be laughing once you become the most powerful Hausa Fulani politician in Nigeria.
They will be lining up in front of your office very soon looking for political favours.

I can already see them shouting ‘Nigeria Sai Sulaiman’ and dancing in the streets everywhere while you throw money at them from the sun roof of your land cruiser.

Well done Senator and keep up the good work.
You will surely live longer than your enemies.

Tenaciously Yours,

Double Eph.
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