Dele Momodu; Please Up Your Game….Your Sh*t Is Weak!

Firstly; I cannot begin to tell you how terribly upset I am that I wasted 10 minutes of my life this morning reading the utter tripe of an article you submitted to ThisDay as your column last week.

Please break my heart and tell me you got paid for writing that steaming pile of dog poo? I stopped reading your nonsense a while ago but I somehow got sucked into reading this one.

But it’s not all your fault. I blame Mr Nduka Obaigbena who seems to be unsure whether he wants ThisDay to be a serious newspaper or a light entertainment magazine. If your column was published in The Daily Star in between the pictures of the naked page 3 girls, I wouldnt much care. But you seem to want people to take your column seriously….which is what I have a problem with.

Dude, if we want to hear an allegory about the hunter and the antelope, we would watch Tales by Moonlight. We certainly dont want to pay N150 for a newspaper for us to listen to you talk to us as if we were impressionable children listening intently to the gentlemen who just returned from a sojourn abroad regaling them with tales which stretch the truth to breaking point.

I think you should be a bit more humble…your life is NOT that interesting. You need not tell us details of how you and your wife and child slept on a single bed in London. What you might have considered squalor at the time is to die for many children all over the world today. Besides what you went through is part of what forges the character of any man. You ate chicken in Cotonou? Really? I am happy for you.

Besides the majority of Nigerians who come to live and work in the UK almost always have exceedingly humble beginnings. It’s the way the society is designed in case you hadnt noticed. The UK is not given to producing millionaires overnight unlike Nigeria. People are expected to work their way upwards on the social ladder.

We also do not care if you only ever met Madam Cecilia only once or thrice. In any case we have no way of verifying this information. However if you choose to make this information public, then I have a right to disbelieve it. So I am telling you now that I think you have met Mrs Ibru at least 15 times and that Intercontinental has advertised in Ovation in the past. What are you going to do about that?

Again, we do not care if you bought a second hand Bentley at 42. If you had friends who were jealous of you on account of that, then I suggest you upgrade the kind of friends you keep. What does it cost to drive a brand new car in the UK? If I wanted to drive a 2009 car today in the UK, I could do so by tomorrow….all I need to do is prove I can meet the monthly payments and I will drive away with the car dealer thanking me profusely. I cannot imagine any of my friends being jealous of me if I decide to buy a second hand Bentley. Stop fooling yourself, a second had car is never a sign of success in the UK.

I also notice the sly attempt to paint yourself as a martyr right up there with Dr Tai Solarin and Madam Due Process, Oby Ezekwesili. Nice try Bob Dee…pull the other one.

So now in your eyes all the bank MDs only made mistakes? Do you obtain your wisdom from the back of danfo buses in Lagos….you know the ones where they write ‘nobody is above mistake’?

You talk about Sanusi going overboard and beyond his mandate. You then spectacularly fail to tell us what the said mandate is. Dude, you are not allowed to do that. If you are going to accuse the man of acting beyond what his powers allow or even counter to the national interest as you allege, you gotta back it up with facts. And what exactly do you mean by historical dialects? I know you studied Yoruba in University but seriously, get a grip.

Mr Dele Momodu are you saying that the impeachment of Governors [in the middle of the night as you claim] were all acts of scapegoatism?? Whatever it is you are drinking, I suggest you cease and desist from drinking it forthwith. It’s clearly too strong.

For the first time in the history of Nigeria, there was a reckoning for politicians who felt they could get away with riding roughshod over the will of the people by brazenly rigging elections. Do you know that names like Palm Kernel, Michael Jackson, Iron etc were discovered on the ballot to have voted for Dr Olusegun Agagu in the 2007 elections in Ondo state? Are you saying that cheating to win an election is ok? Do you know of any serious democracy where rigging an election is ok?

 In your view only a ‘benevolent and visionary dictator and clear headed visionaries’ can rid Nigeria of corruption. Wow. Dude please make up your mind are you a democrat or thugocrat? I dare say if a dictator were to appear on the scene in Nigeria today, you would be one of the first batch of people he would go after because of your specialty in glorifying all that’s wrong with Nigeria. Please dont start feeling too cool with yourself just yet.

You talk about Sanusi not giving the bank MDs the opportunity of redemption. Gracious me, do you want a microphone and pulpit so you can deliver your 2009 version of The Sermon on The Mount? You dont even think they are guilty, so to slyly canvass for redemption for them is downright bizarre. 

Dude, do you know that one of the best ways to fight corruption is to let people know and see that justice will be done if you are corrupt? If these MDs are guilty of the very serious crimes they have been accused of, do you have a problem with them doing the time for it? They are not poor men…they can hire the best lawyers to defend them AND they will get a chance to defend themselves in court which is very crucial. Mind you, a ‘benevolent and visionary dictator’, as you suggest, would probably just throw them in jail and leave them to rot there.

You say the government is a pathological debtor. Show me a country where the government is not a debtor. If the government stopped borrowing from the banks, how many of them do you think would survive one day? I am certain that you wouldnt know a government bond if it landed on your lap, stroked your chest hair and called you ‘Bob Dee’. But remain ignorant if you wish…just dont spread the disease in your columns anymore.

You said the western govts rolled out ‘workable packages’ compared to our theatre of the absurd when dealing with the financial crisis. I will only slightly tolerate your ignorance as you appear to be suffering from what is called a ‘fatal conceit’ ….trying to talk about something you couldnt possibly know anything about. 

But I will give you just one example; At the height of the credit crunch the UK govt forced Lloyds TSB to takeover HBOS. HBOS was dead to all intents and purposes at the time but Lloyds was doing pretty ok as it hadnt taken on the kind of risks HBOS had. Over what has now come to be known as the most expensive glass of champagne ever, the deal was struck and Lloyds Banking Group was born.

So far this year, Lloyds has had to make writedowns of £13bn as a result of that unholy marriage that was orchestrated by the government. Not only that, it was revealed that Lloyds will have to close as much as 550 branches of Halifax it inherited with all the attendant job losses. When all those people lose their jobs, they wont pay any income tax. They will also start collecting benefits increasing the cost to the government.

If that’s what you call a workable package, then please get in touch with me…there’s a bridge linking Ikorodu and Lekki I want to sell to you for a good price. 

You claim foreigners were not invited to take over the banks in America when they were teetering on the brink of collapse. Really? When Lehman Brothers went kaput, Barclays and Nomura were the vultures who were called in to split the carcass. Those banks are American I take it?

Ever the heard the name Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed al-Nahyan before? Well he was the Abu Dhabi Prince who bailed out Barclays last October when the bank was doing everything possible to avoid taking a bailout from the UK government. He invested £7bn for an 11% stake in the bank last year and that literarily saved them from damnation. He also owns Manchester City Football Club for your information.

Dude, the world has changed. These days you take money from where you can find it. Do you have an idea of just how much the US owes China? The Hummer vehicle brand was sold to Sichuan Tengzhong by General Motors when it needed to raise cash. I could go on and on.

You throw about some Latin quotes in a bid to look smarter than you really are. You talk about the Nemo dat rule in relation to Sanusi, claiming he should not or could not have sacked the MDs. Mr Wannabe lawyer, I have news for you; Under Sections 33 and 35 of The Banks and Other Financial Institutions Act of the Nigerian consitution, Sanusi has the powers to sack bank MDs. So your nemo dis or nemo dat sh*t is weak! There is a reason why we have that law in Nigeria. It’s because bank MDs sit tighter than Gaddafi in Libya….other than sacking them, there’s almost no other way to remove them when they have been found to have done wrong.

You also quote the audi alteram partem rule which effectively says no one should be condemned WITHOUT being heard i.e due process must be followed. Except I am missing something, NONE of the bank MDs has yet been condemned….and they are currently getting a chance to be heard. So why are you wetting your pants getting overly excited? 

These bank MDs have been accused of very serious crimes of borrowing people billions of naira of shareholders money without so much as taking a kolanut as collateral. Please keep quiet and let the whole drama play out. Life goes on….they will get their day in court and plenty more facts and evidence will be revealed. And I repeat; they will have access to the very best lawyers in the country…something the majority of Nigerians can only dream of.

Mr Momodu, you do not have a right to play fast and loose with the facts because you have the priviledge of a back page column in a national daily. As a journalist and member of the 4th estate, you have a duty to inform the public of the facts and as much as possible only give an opinion after you have throughly checked the facts.

At your level, ignorance is very dangerous and expensive, moreso in a country like Nigeria with all our myriad problems.

Your sh*t is weak dude…you need to up your game big time!

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