My Very Good Man,
I am desperately sorry I cant join the rest of the gang in Ibadan this weekend if only to see what your dancing is really like. I would love nothing more than to experience the presidential suite of Ibadan’s finest establishments, the awesome wonder I have heard they are. Not that I believe the nasty rumours that you have to fetch your own water to have your bath in the morning of course.
To the point; I cant even pretend to have any useful wisdom to dispense. I am hardly anywhere near the kind of man I think I should be or is expected of me. I imagine Pastor P will do the honours when it comes to the exhortation before and after the event. So all I have are a few things to wish you most sincerely. You are less of a problem for society when you are happy, you know.
We guys like to think the choices we make, especially when it comes to finding a wife, are the result of deep prayer, careful thought and due diligence. BS. We dont know as much as we think we know and our decision making is nowhere near as great as we think it is. Without knowingly admitting it, we rely heavily on our God being a great matchmaker. Or luck.
Finding a wife is not the result of ‘market forces’ or competition picking the best person for you. Not at all. You find a person, you commit time, energy and emotions hoping they are the right one and you have no idea what the other person out there might have been like. Further, you are not allowed to be greedy.
Trust me, luck is good and very important especially because to a large extent you make your own luck. So I wish you luck with her, very good luck of course. I wish you very good luck in the times when everything will be out of your hands and you will need something good to come through to your aid.
Pay little mind to those who offer to retool your engine without letting you see what is under their own hood. Everyone gets lucky everytime. But you cannot rely on luck to put you in the place to get good luck. That is entirely down to you.
Get lucky. There’s no shame in that game.
It wont be a marriage if you dont wake up some days wondering why you are lying next to this person. Relax, it’s ok, she’s thinking the same thing too. But that’s never the whole story, actually it’s no more than a footnote in the story. You will get days like that just so you can have something to fix and not get bored.
And this is why I wish you energy. Fixing things is hard especially when it’s another human being involved. You might need to put in a lot of effort for a long time without any rewards being apparent. I wish you the energy to do this. To get up again and give it another go even though the last time didnt work out like you wanted it to. I wish you the energy to give of yourself even when you might feel like you have absolutely nothing to give.
I wish you energy so you dont get tired especially when she is counting on you to be strong. The kind of strength that offers her a strong arm without squeezing her to prove its strength. You know, energy to open a ketchup bottle for her, not because she cant open it but because she wants you to open it for her.
No point beating about the bush here; when I say good fortune, I am talking about money. I am not wishing you money so your ego can be inflated to bursting point and you start causing havoc in town like deciding you have spare capacity for a second wife. Broadly speaking, once men have money they become dangerous and it could be for this reason that God carefully controls the number of billionaires on this planet.
But I wish you good fortune so your days are not filled with anxious and foreboding. I wish you this because when you dont have it, you will be grumpy and spend all your time thinking about it which, need I remind you, is terribly counterproductive.
So I wish you the kind of good fortune that will allow you to grab her and travel some place far at very short notice. The kind that allows you always have in your fridge the kind of stuff you want to eat and to afford Day Waterman College even if you cant afford Harrow. I hope you get promoted at work and exceed the targets they set you so you do things for her you know she really wants.
But even in all of this, I wish you contentment because hammering is in fact an aberration and you should earn more at 50 than you did at 30 due to the accumulation of savings, investments and experience over your life.
I wish you these things if only to prevent you from giving her a headache when all she wants is peace and quiet.
The Love Genome
It was something like in 1989 when scientists started a project to map the human genome. The intricacies of what they were trying to achieve is above my pay grade but at a basic level it was to map out the human body in such a way that advances in medicine and technology could then be layered on to it. Or to put it another way, Apple building the appstore so that a company like Instagram could be bought for $1bn a few years later.
I dont know what the status of the Human Genome Project (HGP) currently is but I hope you get to map your own love genome with her. Afterall one of the more useful functions of a map is to help you return to where you once were after you might have lost your way.
So I wish you the good sense and skill to map the songs and movies and books and places you like together…the things that return you to the place(s) where you both are certain you once found love. I hope you keep this map in a safe but easily reachable place. If marriage is anything like I know it to be, you will constantly need to consult that map to return you to the place where you both find safety.
Getting lost is not too terrible a thing provided you can find your way back. This journey is long and taking a wrong turn is almost inevitable along the way. But always have that map of your Love Genome with you…the one on which you have chosen to build everything else.
And if all else fails, if you feel like you are at your wit’s end, if you feel like you dont know where to turn to and you feel like you have run out of luck, energy and good fortune, take my advice on this one – Be nice to her. You know, just be nice. God dont like ugly so be nice. Just summon whatever it is you have left and treat her nicely. Basically, just as you’d like to be treated.
I really hope you have a great day. I will be cheering you guys on from my quiet corner in London. And dont worry about supplying the gist, I will get it unadulterated before the day is over.
Now go build something great with that wonderful woman you have been blessed with. Oju o ni ti yin.
P.S On the night of the 14th after everyone has gone home and you guys are alone together in Ibadan’s finest Hotel room, my guy, please do the needful. No excuses. As my English hosts here like to say – start as you mean to carry on 🙂